My heterosexual life-partner (read: my late-30's bestie who is still single like me) sent me an article on couples vs. singledom that really got me thinking about what exactly it is that I'm searching for in my trolling online for a life mate, jokingly or otherwise. This mate I seek certainly isn't popping up at my workplace or in the produce aisle, so I might as well look other places, but what has often been confusing has been the slew of dating advice that accompanies the search. Upon reading this blog post, I am assured by the author that although all couples outwardly look like they have "made it" and are happily in love, a great deal of them are worse off than me, since they are still struggling in those relationships and doomed to go through the cycle of having their hearts splattered into chili con carne... that those unlucky bastards will still need to lie on the floors of their bathrooms in heaps for a few months crying and dry heaving until they can pull it together and move forward, up the metaphorical stair towards 'healthy' and into the position I am currently standing as a single person. Yeah... I guess that makes me feel a little better.
Another bit in the blog that struck me was a section where the blogger mentions speed-daters who go into an event and are surprised to discover they don't stick to their criteria at all. So what am I looking for, anyways? Do I even know? In the second section of the blog, the author gets down to the gritty about what he thinks are the glue to successful marriages. Although marriage may not be right for everyone, I think this could be fair across the charts for any partnership. If you want to see the author's elaboration, click the links above. I've provided my own interpretations below.
1) An Epic Friendship
It's true. Once you get past all of the love madness and the amazing sex in the first 6 months, there has to be something else there. You have to have someone to talk to, someone to share stories with and talk politics with or share some sort of passion with intellectually. Without a lot of meat, all you have is bones. I prefer a really meaty steak that has been aged and well-seasoned, marinated and cured.
2) A Feeling of Home
This person definitely has to make me feel comfortable and wanted. I want to nest with this person and feel like myself, not like I am pretending or putting on my best face only for them to see, because that shit wears off. I need to be able to relax into this person and the environment we create together. We need to be able to trust each other and count on each other. It should feel easy and natural, not forced.
3) A Determination to Be Good At Marriage
Both people have to want it and want to work on it. If only one person is doing the work and putting in the time, it's doomed. It's a partnership for a reason and no relationship can survive without maintenance. Regular adult conversations have to happen, even when they're uncomfortable, and both people need to be able to admit to being wrong. It sucks, but listening to each other is important, and knowing when to back down because you are wrong is also very important. I'm certainly aware of my shortcomings more and more now, and WOW do I have a lot of them. I wish that past partners had been able to listen to me and work with me instead of giving up. I also think I gave up too easily on others. But that is how we get wiser through age and experience... hopefully my next partner will benefit from all I have learned.
In another reading I was pointed towards Relationship Red Flags. Usually I pass over these checklists because they seem generic. This time, though, I think it's a pretty good list. Just food for thought for anyone who is single and in the trenches.
Can't change biology, baby.
Too bad... because I'm fucking awesome, and I keep getting better! Oh well. On with the hunt.
Another bit in the blog that struck me was a section where the blogger mentions speed-daters who go into an event and are surprised to discover they don't stick to their criteria at all. So what am I looking for, anyways? Do I even know? In the second section of the blog, the author gets down to the gritty about what he thinks are the glue to successful marriages. Although marriage may not be right for everyone, I think this could be fair across the charts for any partnership. If you want to see the author's elaboration, click the links above. I've provided my own interpretations below.
1) An Epic Friendship
It's true. Once you get past all of the love madness and the amazing sex in the first 6 months, there has to be something else there. You have to have someone to talk to, someone to share stories with and talk politics with or share some sort of passion with intellectually. Without a lot of meat, all you have is bones. I prefer a really meaty steak that has been aged and well-seasoned, marinated and cured.
2) A Feeling of Home
This person definitely has to make me feel comfortable and wanted. I want to nest with this person and feel like myself, not like I am pretending or putting on my best face only for them to see, because that shit wears off. I need to be able to relax into this person and the environment we create together. We need to be able to trust each other and count on each other. It should feel easy and natural, not forced.
3) A Determination to Be Good At Marriage
Both people have to want it and want to work on it. If only one person is doing the work and putting in the time, it's doomed. It's a partnership for a reason and no relationship can survive without maintenance. Regular adult conversations have to happen, even when they're uncomfortable, and both people need to be able to admit to being wrong. It sucks, but listening to each other is important, and knowing when to back down because you are wrong is also very important. I'm certainly aware of my shortcomings more and more now, and WOW do I have a lot of them. I wish that past partners had been able to listen to me and work with me instead of giving up. I also think I gave up too easily on others. But that is how we get wiser through age and experience... hopefully my next partner will benefit from all I have learned.
In another reading I was pointed towards Relationship Red Flags. Usually I pass over these checklists because they seem generic. This time, though, I think it's a pretty good list. Just food for thought for anyone who is single and in the trenches.
In general, there is a ton of relationship advice out there and a lot of it is probably given with the best of intentions. The first article is pretty spot-on, however, in saying that women are basically told to get out there and blindly pursue love with reckless abandon before their ovaries dry up and their eggs are shriveled and rattling around inside of their barren uterus... so it's a dog-eat-dog world. Since "crossing over" into the tender age of 37, my profile views on dating sites has plummeted by the male population and I get about 1/2 as many messages as I did before. Same pictures, same content... just a different age bracket. 37 isn't as sexy or as fertile and that's plain science. Men want young.
Can't change biology, baby.
Too bad... because I'm fucking awesome, and I keep getting better! Oh well. On with the hunt.
