Being stood up

This is Mr. no-show. 

We talked for a few weeks and he seemed really cool and interesting. We set up a plan to meet for drinks in a Friday night at a cute French bistro. I would tell you more about him, but he clearly lacks a personality, so it doesn't matter.

First meetings, or dates, are a first impression, so if a "date" doesn't show and doesn't call, it's basically a diss. He got cold feet or whatever, and even if he's in the hospital with amnesia or a heart attack, he's no good to me anymore, anyways. 

So how did I gracefully handle being stood up on a date, alone in a restaurant, being attended to by an empathetic server and busser who both asked repeatedly of I was ok or if I needed anything? Well, I thought about slinking out the door.

But then I thought about my pride. I thought about how hard it was to get back on the dating horse after my last relationship, and about how I thought for sure this guy was worth meeting. I thought about all of the sand I had sifted though online looking for gold nuggets, and how angry it made me to be wrong about him. Then I remembered that nothing in life is certain, and he probably saved me years of trouble. I gave him a 1/2 hour before I ordered a wheel of baked brie for myself to indulge upon and a second fancy cocktail. Eff that guy. 

A server behind me cutting bread knew what was going on when she saw me order the second drink and the cheese she said, "don't ever talk to him again." Damn right, sister. I'm a classy bitch and I am NOT a cheap date. I drink fancy cocktails and wheels of cheese in quaint french bistros on Friday nights by myself because I CAN. I always pick up the check, and I have great manners. Hell yeah. I don't need that jerkface.

To hell with you, Mr. No Show. I'm awesome.

 

Wide Load

The semi-truck driver. Way to put yourself out there, buddy.

Adam

Au naturale. Cute, and edgy. Definitely an attention-grabber. But someone is taking this photo...wait! He mentions he has all his teeth! Swipe right! Swipe right!

Bath time

Mmm. Hawt. Does this mean he has a mirror in his tub, or that someone is there taking his photo? I think that's his phone in his hand...which means...mirror

Freedom Turtle

Yass 

First Impressions

Today I stumbled upon a realistic and also hilarious depiction of how women flash-judge men on a first impression. CLICK HERE and then return to this blog. So worth it!

Okay. When a women goes on a date they have already done a fair amount of research (hopefully) about what the guy is like and are crossing their fingers he isn't a total drip. It's a crapshoot, really, because if she hasn't even talked to him on the phone yet (which is likely) he might have one of those annoying nasally voices and it will immediately sink the love ship. You may be asking, "Why wouldn't I talk to a guy on the phone before meeting them?" Simple. If I talk to him on the phone before meeting him, he now has my number. Do you know how hard it is to then avoid phone calls and text messages, and also struggle with the fact that there is human emotion in that voice leaving you 7 voicemails a night? It's so sad, guys. So sad. So I just don't give out my number very often. We have to meet first, and if I give out my number at all, we're generally gonna text. I barely call my parents. It's true. Ask them. Real live phone calls are soooo 1999.

So back to first impressions: They're real. Don't wear you're nastiest rubbah slippahs that are full of red dirt and worn out. Don't wear your New Balance specials as shown above. This is definitely something women notice because, duh, what you put on your feet is a window into your universe and what your taste is! Do you care? Do you not care? Do you keep up your feet? Are you wearing black socks with running shoes (don't do that)? It matters because if we wouldn't want to be embarrassed walking next to you or we don't think you have any clue at all, you're a big "project," and most women don't want "projects." Personally, I think I'm done with fixer-uppers.

I'm not saying women are all shallow and are after price tags and do a shopping comparison with your car and the next date's car, your clothes and the next date's clothes, but I am saying that all of these things about you are indicators about what you care about, about how you treat yourself and your things...and inevitably how you might treat us. No one wants to be handled badly unless they're really sick in the head.

So, yes. Do what this guy is saying very tongue in cheek. Give a shit and wear some decent kicks. While you're at it, put in some effort on the rest of yourself, too.

I do!

Pickup lines: Exaggeration is key

This guy is going all in on his pickup line. 

We can't kiss or I'll destroy the world. Sad.

Mustache on his forehead

To Get Over An Old Relationship, Think Like A "Bro"

I read this Elephant Journal Article and had one of those rare epiphanies upon reading it where I realized I had been doing it wrong for years and years. Crying and wallowing in my apartment or on my girlfriend's shoulder eventually helps me move forward, but these exes of mine... they seem to move on so quickly from me after we split, and it is a combination of insulting and awe inspiring! How the heck do they do it?! Either I am a total softie with a big, juicy, stupid, achy breaky heart and they are made of steel and sawdust, or they have secret powers and potions I don't know about. 

This article has FINALLY helped me to understand, though (outside of some of them just being douchebags. I will still make sure it's known a few broke rule #1). I need to think like a "bro" here (if you ARE a bro following along on this blog or are trans or non-gender and are just looking for some damn advice on a tough subject and are struggling with a breakup, trust that you need to channel your inner dude side for this one...the logically driven workhorse that wants to win wars and conquer all the things. There is a war within us all, after all, and it's time to fight. Every war needs a battle plan). I've been undervaluing basics. Here is an excerpt from the article that nails it on the head:

Masculine energy is rooted in strength. It’s the goal oriented, focused energy that creates independence, self-confidence and accomplishment. It’s the energy behind drive, goal setting and not giving up until you’ve ‘won.’

Let’s look at an example:

When a man decides to get in shape, he might quite literally get out a notebook, separate the page into seven columns and track each workout throughout the week.

If you have plans with him, he’ll make sure to squeeze in a workout before your date. If you ask him to do something earlier that interferes with his workout, he may very well say no.

He’s taking care of himself then. And he’s not going to let you (or anything else) interfere. He’s focused, determined, and driven to succeed at his goal. His mind is made up…Period. End of story.

So going back to my daily life because this is my blog about dating and I do what I like, I need to look at each post-breakup as a time to ATTACK with goal-oriented, focused plan. Like when I have a huge presentation at the end of the month, or I'm helping to organize a derby tournament for 60+ skaters and need to make sure it's fully staffed with NSOs and Refs and--oh, yes--skaters, or I'm the Captain of my State Team going to a National Tournament for the first time ever in all of time. When shit comes up like that for me, I cancel other plans after my work day to deal with the exorbitant amount of responsibility and organization, not to mention the mental space that I need to prepare myself for the incredible undertaking. Why should I think it would be any different when my life is rearranged by a crushing heartbreak? Geeze. I am truly a masochist. I shouldn't think for a second I can handle that along with all of the other normalcies that I was doing prior. I need a serious time out to handle things.

Basically what this article is saying to me, kids, is instead of trying to go about my daily life like it didn't happen and then crumbling into a heap on my bathroom floor every night or as soon as I finally allow myself to go home exhausted, and instead of letting my anxieties throughout life eat away at my innards like battery acid, I should take care of myself and do things to pump up my ego. This goes way beyond breakups. This goes straight into survival skills.

Take some mental health days. Get a massage. Go to therapy and go work out and go do some fucking yoga. Cook a quiche, because I like to cook quiche and those bastards never deserved my cooking, anyways. You get the point. I think it of course makes sense, but I've never actually made a survival plan like this. Did I say survival plan? I meant BATTLE PLAN. Yeah. I can do a better job of battling. Why, yes, I can.

I took the advice of the article and had witchy sort-of seance in my living room just now, where I wrote on a little scrap of paper that I was "liberating my heart." It surely can't hurt. It's about time that thing gets out of jail, man. 

You're Free!! Make a run for it!

No matter what, it was worth the convo

It was a brief convo because I'm sure his mailbox was flooded, but I will take his brief interest as a compliment :) and if he really does exist and wants to take me out, how could I refuse?

Milf?!

Did he really just start a conversation with me by calling me a MILF? WHO DOES THAT

The farmer

Kainoa is quite the farmer. He likes lasagna and world travel, where he likely sells his goods. What an entrepreneur!

Notice the age category he's interested in.... Now look at what he farms.

He's so proud!!! 

I want to stab you to death

Legendary

I was disappointed when I clicked on his picture. With a preface such as "being a legend," this photo had so much potential!

Instead I'm given nothing but a boring bathroom shot. Sigh.